Beware - Borders and Boundaries

Sometimes, the boundaries we set are not enough. When our personal boundaries are breached, it can feel like a punch in the gut. This can be even more true when we share a boundary with someone who is intentionally trying to violate it, or in cases where a predator manipulates their victim into believing that they have no right to say no. When we have all our boundaries in place, and still we get violated, we first feel a sense of betrayal and anger. But if we are able to move past this initial response, and determine that the boundary violation was not worth the emotional pain they caused us, then our next natural reaction is to protect ourselves from future violations. This can be done in a variety of ways. We can ask for help to fix our boundary violations, or we can take positive steps to prevent them from happening again. We can also take steps to rebuild trust with the other person - whether it is repairing damage done by past boundary violations or repairing damage done by statements that could be interpreted as an attack on another's integrity. By building trust, we can avoid being victimized again by someone who is exploiting our personal boundaries. It is important to note that this article will NOT be providing general advice on how to repair a relationship when it has been damaged by using the other person's personal boundaries as an excuse for their own behavior. That topic is a common theme in my other articles and I refer you there if you are interested in learning more.

Beware - Borders and Boundaries

The example of the "Bully" [2]

You know what I want to talk about today? Bully! In this case, we're talking about external bullies like the one who burns my flag every day and calls me all sorts of names. But you can also be a bully to yourself or others. You know what I mean, right? When someone gets in your face and threatens you or what you hold dear, that's bullying. But when someone corners you or puts you in an environment where they control every aspect of your life and they make sure that they have access to everything that is yours… THAT'S BULLYING!

How do we put a stop to it? Remember, my flag is not the issue here. The issue is ME! So how do I do it? We've already talked about boundaries [3] and how important they are for any living thing [4]. We also talked about how to repair a relationship when it has been damaged by using the other person's personal boundaries as an excuse for their own behavior [5]. But if you have a bully that is constantly yelling at you, then what do you DO? How do we fix this? We have to make sure that the bully doesn't get the upper hand!

But what do I DO?!

How we respond to bullying is part of WHY they bully us in the first place. The best way to stop a bully is to simply remove their ability to use your body as their playground. If they are attacking your physical body, tell them it's not OK. Get them away from you. Make them go away. If they follow you, do what you need to do to protect yourself.

We can't always be physically in control of our fate, and we need to accept that. But we have the power to choose how WE react when a bully is standing in front of us. You can stand up for yourself and choose not to allow yourself to be abused any further than you are comfortable with, even if it doesn't feel like the right thing to do at the time [6]. You can also choose not to deal with the pain being caused by someone who has violated your boundaries because your sense of self-preservation or selflessness says that it's not worth it [7].

You can think about your self-worth… what's being done to you… or even think about the bigger picture and say that it's not OK for someone to change your behavior just because they want you to because it might hurt them!

But be careful. Just because you don't want someone touching, speaking to or any sort of physical interaction with YOU does NOT give YOU the right to hurt THEM. This is an extremely important point, so I'm going to repeat it:

YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO HURT OTHERS, EVEN IF THEY ARE TRYING TO HURT YOU!

As a human being, we have a natural urge to protect ourselves from harm. But we can't protect ourselves by hurting others. No matter how much they have hurt us, it is not OUR right to decide who gets to live and who gets to die based on our pain.

There are plenty of wrong ways to protect ourselves from being hurt by others. If someone refuses to leave you alone, you might feel like the only thing you can do is strike out at them or threaten them. But this isn't the answer!

You have a right to defend yourself when someone else tries to physically harm you. You also have a right make it clear that they are not allowed access into your personal space [8] - which includes your mind and your emotions - if they are unwilling or unable to respect your boundaries [9]. But if they are not a physical threat to you, then you have no right to take that away from them by harming them. And even when someone is a physical threat, we can make it clear that we don't want them to be a threat without having to hurt them physically.

As suicidal people, we should avoid hurting other people in any way unless it is absolutely necessary to protect ourselves from physical harm. But even then, this needs to be taken very seriously and carefully considered before taking action. Also, using deadly force is only acceptable in the most extreme of circumstances where someone else's life could be at stake [10]. Even then, it may not be the best solution because there are ways for us to defend ourselves without causing harm. But we can't just kill someone who is trying to hurt us when it's all the person has left, too weak to get the help they need. So it's best for us to not be in that position in the first place, even if we are behaving in some way that puts another person at risk of being harmed by us.

And as responsible and thoughtful people, we should consider what our actions would do to other people around us before we make any decisions about our own behavior. We want to make sure that whatever final decision we make does no harm to the people around us.

Conclusion

As I've said before, there are no easy answers to the problems of bullying. But it's important to remember that there is a way to stop bullying and make it someone else's problem.

Saying "no" is tough for a lot of people. Being forced into giving up your personal power is tough for some people. But we have the power to refuse unwanted physical contact and we can choose not to give access to our mental spaces when someone refuses our values [11]. We can even say NO and be recognized as a person who has enough self-awareness and respect to have the right not to be hurt by others.