Marriage Counseling: Using Games to Reduce Tension

I've been seeing a therapist for a few years now and have recently tried some new techniques with my spouse. What I don't understand is why she's so reluctant to explore them. It seems like an easy way to reduce the tension that can get pretty high sometimes. Her aversion makes me feel defensive, but then again the techniques are helping me forgive things more easily and let go of some of my anger.

I could use any help I can get here, so if anyone has had any success with this kind of thing, please share! I'm just not sure what's going on.

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Hi [NAME],

Thank you for your question and article. The main point of this piece is to look at how games can be used as a therapeutic tool, and suggest some ideas for the future based on my own experience of the game technique.  And it's not just about opening up about the past, but rather looking toward the future, imagining a brighter tomorrow.

Last year I created a website devoted to marriage counseling with games in mind. You can find it here: http://www.marriagecounselingwithgames.com/ This site includes information on using "Marriage Mixing" as an effective way to learn how technology affects marriage and relationship dynamics.

I've been using this technique with my husband and it has been very helpful to both of us.  We consider our own marriage to be a pretty happy one and this has only made it better. We don't get into arguments – we have discussions, which are about figuring out what the other person's intentions are, why they act the way that they do, and finding ways to make things better for both of us.

Dear [NAME]

Thank you so much for your letter! If I understand correctly your spouse is having trouble responding to the idea of games helping you in marriage counseling. I'm so sorry about this experience you're having. You clearly have a positive attitude and a lot of enthusiasm for games and gaming, so I think it's really unfair that you're experiencing negativity from your spouse.

I think it might be helpful to try to figure out exactly why your spouse is responding the way they are, and what more you might be able to do to help them. I also understand that marriage counseling with games can seem less threatening, because talking about your feelings with respect and love is already part of who you are as a person. It's not like going into therapy where you have to keep track of things being said for future reference or analyze your "feelings", etc.

Given all this, I would suggest that you can continue to use the game technique but also try to come up with a way to discuss your feelings and approach to your marriage with your spouse. In other words, don't keep it a secret and then try to spring it on them later. You might want to experiment by asking them how they feel about games; when is the right time for games? When is it not a good time for games? What kinds of feedback do they have?

I have had good luck with this myself when my husband has been participating in his own therapy. It was intimidating at first, but we eventually found a way to make it all work out quite well.

I hope everything turns out well for you and your spouse. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

-Emily

* * * * * This was not the actual advice given in the original article, but rather my own addition based on my own experiences with this one particular couple. I would also be interested in hearing about your experiences with games and marriage counseling, as well as any other advice that you might have for anyone else who has tried this method. We can all learn from each other's experiences! -Emily

*Update: The original poster has replied! You can read it here . * * * * * The following article was originally published on the  Lovefraud site in October of 2012.

(click here to read my testimonial)

Today I met a fellow author who had a message for me about the book I wrote about emotional abuse and verbal abuse that men inflict on their wives . . .  And she wonders why women stay.

I don't know what got into her, but she was really angry at me! She accused me of being an expert when it comes to emotional abuse and verbal abuse, then accused me of "revictimizing" her by writing this book. So let's talk about that.

My name is Laura, I'm a former victim of all the stuff in my book. There's been a lot of things I've gone through in my life, and I'm not easily shocked anymore. But this woman's comments really made me want to call her out on her BS.

"You wrote a book about emotional abuse and verbal abuse when women are the ones who are being hurt! You're being revictimized!"  She accused me of trying to re-victimize myself by writing this book.  Her words, not mine.

I didn't write a book about female victimization, because no one is talking about female victimization. This is exactly why I wrote the book. There's no books about this at all, and most people don't want to talk about  it. No one wants to hear that women are being abused by their husbands, boyfriends or lovers.  When you tell people that men abuse women they get angry and start making excuses for the men who are doing it.

I had a therapist who told me that I was making "nasty accusations" against my ex-husband when I told her the kinds of things he said and did to me.  She said I was trying to "re-victimize" myself, when it is my husband who has actually been doing all the re-victimizing.

When I told the therapist that my husband made me engage in sex with other men and have sex with women for money, she told me that I was trying to "re-victimize" myself. Can you believe it?  And you know what?  I believe her!  She's never seen a man do this sort of thing to someone!  

I'm not a victim. Some women are victims of abuse and will always be. But that's not me.

Conclusion:

The woman I met today accused me of believing that women are incapable of being abused by men.  That's not true.  Of course, some women will never be able to be abused by men, and that's okay. But the idea that we are all victims is ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong, I think men are capable of abusing women and should be punished if they do so. But no man is capable of doing the kind of damage that some women go through in their relationships with abusive men.  No man needs to beat a woman to make her accept his behavior or change it.